


Who Let The Dog Out?

by Dracothelizard



Category: Jonathan Creek (TV), Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Murder Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-11
Updated: 2006-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-12 00:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam Klaus is invited to perform a magic trick on Top Gear, so naturally Jonathan accompanies him. Unfortunately, Top Gear Dog goes missing from a locked office. Can Jonathan find TG and reunite her with her worried masters?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Let The Dog Out?

**Author's Note:**

> None of this ever happened, obviously. 
> 
> Also, I know that Adam’s endurance tricks are in season 4 and that Maddy leaves in season 3, but let’s pretend that Maddy is back from the States and that Carla is too busy with her television career to be called by Jonathan, okay?

Jonathan stared at the letter Adam was waving in front of him. “Why?”  
  
“Well, obviously they read the reviews of my shows and figured that I was just the sort magician they needed for the job,” Adam explained. “I’m not surprised TV shows are showing an interest in me.”  
  
“I am,” Jonathan said, and took the letter. “Considering that it’s Top Gear. It’s one of the most popular programs on the BBC; you’d think they’d want someone like David Blaine to do it.”  
  
“He probably didn’t have the time for that, too busy being buried in ice or something,” Adam sneered. He wasn’t too impressed anymore with those endurance tricks, not after the dismal failure of his own. “Besides, the BBC has always had a keen interest in artists who are about to have their massive breakthrough. It’s simply my time.”  
  
Jonathan didn’t react to that, when Adam got like this there was no reasoning. He just read the letter to see what ridiculous thing they were expected to do.  
  
***  
  
“Adam who?”  
  
“Klaus.”  
  
“I repeat: Adam who? I thought we were supposed to get someone who was actually well-known,” Jeremy complained. “What about that David Blaine guy?”  
  
“Too busy being buried in ice,” Richard said.  
  
“What, again?”  
  
“Apparently.”  
  
“Either way,” James said, interrupting his two friends, “he’s the one the production team got. Apparently a large part of our budget is supposed to cover the cars and the insurance, not the entertainment that’s thought of at the last possible moment. Adam Klaus is the best they could find for the money they were allotted. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”  
  
“Adam Klaus… wasn’t he one who did that stunt with that coffin and was then sued for sexual harassment?” Richard asked pensively. “Followed by that crucifixion stunt that landed him in the hospital?”  
  
Jeremy looked at James. “Is it too late to cancel it and just do it ourselves?”  
  
***  
  
Adam had insisted on driving his own flashy convertible to Surrey. Jonathan suspected Adam thought it would be impressive. It wasn’t very impressive on the business end of a tow truck, but apparently that was the price of fame, Adam said. Jonathan thought it was the price of buying a crappy car, but he didn’t say so. He was too busy working out the details of the trick Adam was going to do. It was a rather standard switching objects trick, except on a larger scale. Adam usually didn’t use a Reliant Robin and a Lotus in his shows, but Jonathan figured that cars would be easier to deal with than an elephant and had come up with a simple scheme to pull it off.  
  
Adam was still grumbling about the car and the tow truck when they approached the hangar, their crew in tow. “It’s never broken down on me like that before! Its moment supreme and it gives up on me!”  
  
“I’m sure they can fix it,” Jonathan said, who was more concerned with the tall figure standing in the door.  
  
“I’m terribly sorry, but it looks like we won’t be needing your services after all.”  
  
Adam whipped off his sunglasses. “Excuse me?”  
  
“We talked it over some more, and we decided that we can do it ourselves,” Clarkson told him.  
  
That silenced Adam, but not for long. “You? You are going to make a Reliant Robin disappear?” He laughed, and as he looked at Jonathan and his crew they chuckled as well. “And how are you planning to do that precisely?”  
  
“We’re still working out the details of the plan, but how hard can it be? If you and your lovely assistant can pull it off, so can we,” Jeremy said, with a nod at Jonathan. “Just leave it to us, okay?”  
  
Jonathan was more than ready to call it a day after that. He figured that watching the Top Gear presenters fail dismally at a simple switch like this one would make for very amusing television, but Adam wasn’t going to back down on this.  
  
“We’ve got a contract,” he said. “You can’t just break it like this, not without contacting us a couple of days in advance.”  
  
“Watch me,” Clarkson told him.  
  
Jonathan decided to interfere in what would’ve been a very dirty fight. “How about you at least prove to us you can do a simple magic trick?” he said, reaching for his pack of cards. “You pull off one card trick, and we’ll leave without any further arguments. And if you can’t do it, we stay and do the car trick.”  
  
“Why would I want to do that when I can simply have you lot removed from the premise?” the other man asked.  
  
Jonathan shrugged, and put the cards back. “If you can’t do it, that’s all right, but if you can’t even do a simple card trick I doubt you can make a Lotus appear out of thin air.” He looked calmly at Clarkson, and smiled inwardly when the other man grimaced at last.  
  
“Fine, you give me those stupid cards,” he muttered, and started shuffling them when Jonathan handed them over. “Honestly, I don’t see why you’re making such a fuss over this.”  
  
***  
  
“You do realise that now he’s going to keep fiddling with those cards until he does manage to get the trick right and kick us out, right?” Adam said after they had been shown around the hangar. They were currently outside waiting for their crew to finish the preparations.  
  
“I’m counting on something else distracting him before then,” Jonathan told him. “Some sort of annoyingly fast car is bound to do the trick, and I’m sure there’s one around that fits the bill.”  
  
Adam didn’t look too sure. “I wouldn’t be surprised if…” and then he paused to smile and wave at someone behind Jonathan. “Hey Richard, how are things?”  
  
“Fine, thanks. Have you guys seen TG?” he asked after two brief handshakes.  
  
“TG?” Jonathan asked.  
  
“Our dog. Top Gear Dog. She’s a white labradoodle, curly, adorable, spends most of her time sleeping,” Richard quickly explained. “You might have mistaken her for a small speed bump.”  
  
Jonathan shook his head while Adam asked the rest of the crew if they had seen anything. “What happened?”  
  
“Well, I locked her up in one of the offices so she wouldn’t wander off. Granted, she never goes far, but it’s still annoying when we’ve got five minutes until recording and the dog’s nowhere to be found,” Richard told him. “Except I just went back to the office to take her for a bit of a walk, and she wasn’t inside. I’m sure I locked the door, and the keys have been in my jacket the whole time. I just don’t get it.”  
  
“Sorry, my crew hasn’t seen anything, but I’m sure Jonathan is willing to help you find your missing dog,” Adam said, and gave Jonathan’s shoulder a confident pat. “He and his writer friend dabble in solving unsolved mysteries, y’know. Maddy Magellan, ever heard of her?”  
  
“Can’t say I have,” Richard said, “but I’m not really a fan of detective stories. So, you any good at locked room mysteries?” he asked, looking at Jonathan.  
  
“They’re his specialty,” Adam said, as Jonathan opened his mouth. “He’ll have figured it out in no time.”  
  
“Adam, don’t you think it’s best I stayed here with you, make sure rehearsal goes well?” Jonathan asked, really not wanting to get roped into a mystery without Maddy there to talk and lie to people until they told her what they needed to know.  
  
“Don’t worry, Jonathan, the crew and I know exactly what we’re doing,” Adam said, still squeezing his shoulder. “Richard, can you give us a moment so he can give us some last minute instructions?”  
  
Richard nodded. “Sure. Hey, I’ll see you inside, okay?”  
  
As Richard wandered back to the hangar, Adam got uncomfortably close. “Help him out, Jonathan. Obviously that dog is valuable to them for some reason, so if you get it back, they’ll be grateful. And do you know how helpful it will be to us to have Top Gear be grateful?”  
  
Jonathan nodded, a bit taken aback at Adam’s fierceness. “I’ll get right on it.” Adam backed off, and Jonathan was on his way to follow Richard when a thought struck him. “You just want to do a lap in that unreasonably priced car so you can be on that lap time board of theirs!”  
  
“It’s only the ultimate sign of being a celebrity, Jonathan,” Adam told him, “being able to brag about your Top Gear lap times.”  
  
If driving like an irresponsible maniac was a sign of being a celebrity, Jonathan thought it was better to stay in obscurity. And speaking of people who drive like irresponsible maniacs, it was probably best to give Maddy a call about this new mystery. Maybe she could give him some tips on how to get people to be more forthcoming with information. He didn’t know how she did it, but for some reason people never minded telling her things she had no business knowing.  
  
***  
  
“You’re where? I must’ve misheard,” Maddy said, clearly not believing him.  
  
“I said, we’re at the Dunsfold airfield, at the Top Gear studio,” Jonathan repeated.  
  
“You’re joking. What on Earth are you doing there?”  
  
“They want Adam to make a Reliant Robin disappear, followed by making a Lotus appear,” he explained. “Why they got Adam of all people I’ve no idea. I mean, he’s good, but he’s not that famous.”  
  
“Never mind Adam, d’you think you can make that annoying git of a Clarkson disappear instead?” Maddy asked. “And replace him with someone I don’t want to slap in the face?”  
  
“Since when do you care about the presenters of car shows?” Jonathan asked. “You don’t even care about cars!”  
  
“I care about cars!” she argued. “More than you do, at any rate.”  
  
“You wouldn’t know it from the way you drive,” he muttered. “Look,” he said, interrupting her tirade on his criticism on her driving skills, “I’m calling you to ask for some advice. Apparently their dog’s gone missing from a locked office, and Adam told them I would fix it.”  
  
“Jonathan, if you do find that poor animal, do it a favour and don’t return it. It obviously ran away. Can’t say I blame it,” Maddy told him. “I’m surprised the RSPCA hasn’t picked it up yet.”  
  
“Well, I’ll have to find her first, don’t I?” Jonathan said. “Besides, how can a dog escape from a locked office? If it was just closed, okay, most dogs can figure out how to work a door, but this one was locked.”  
  
“Maybe it was the RSPCA,” Maddy said. “Or other animal rights activists. Or a disgruntled ex-employee even. Jonathan, if you’re looking for people with a motive to kidnap Top Gear’s dog, you’ve got several million people to choose from. There’re plenty of people in Britain who want to get one up over them.”  
  
“Right,” Jonathan told her, “that’s not very helpful, is it? Unless you’re trying to tell me that you snuck in and took her, saying there are millions of suspects isn’t helping.”  
  
“I didn’t even know they had a dog in the first place!” Maddy said indignantly. “But why did you call me then? Just to tell me about your exciting new adventure?”  
  
“No, I… I need some advice.” Jonathan could imagine Maddy’s smug look on the other end. Usually she was the one who picked his brain.  
  
“You? The lateral genius who thinks so far outside the box that it makes others wonder how the box is even connected needs my help?” Maddy asked gleefully.  
  
“All right, all right, I know. It’s just that you usually do the questioning of people while I snoop around in the background and I have no idea how to get someone to confide in me,” Jonathan said. “Come on, give me a hand here.”  
  
“Oh Jonathan, you only have to ask,” she told him.  
  
“That’s what I’m doing!”  
  
“Goodbye!” she said cheerfully and hung up on him.  
  
He stared at his cell phone for a moment, until it clicked. “You only have to ask,” he repeated to himself. It couldn’t be that simple, could it? That was her great advice? Just ask?  
  
***  
  
“You sure they can do their magic without you?” Richard asked when Jonathan met him inside.  
  
“Oh, it’ll be fine. Adam’s done these switching tricks dozens of times. It’s the same standard principle, just with cars,” Jonathan said.  
  
“You couldn’t tell me how it’s done, could you?”  
  
“No. Sorry, one of those trade secrets.”  
  
Richard shrugged. “Of course. Anyway, you want to see the office now? See if that tells you anything?”  
  
“Sure,” Jonathan said, and followed Richard, “and you’re absolutely positive you locked the door?”  
  
“Absolutely, I remember checking,” the other man told him. “She’s managed to get out of a closed room before, so that’s why I locked it in the first place.”  
  
Well, that destroyed Maddy’s theory of the dog escaping entirely by herself. Not that he had had much faith in that theory, someone else breaking in was a lot more likely. When they arrived at the scene of the crime, Jonathan inspected the door. “Doesn’t look like it was forced open.”  
  
“Maybe someone picked the lock?” Richard suggested. “No, that’d be stupid. There’s people walking down this hall all the time. There wouldn’t be enough time to get in, take the dog, and get out.”  
  
“Could you lock the door?” Jonathan asked, getting his lock picks out.  
  
“Sure, why?”  
  
Jonathan knelt down. “Just thought a little demonstration was in order.” As he thought, this lock wasn’t very difficult to open. “See, open under ten seconds.” He got up and opened the door. “Someone could’ve easily picked the lock to get in. If someone was coming, whoever did this could’ve simply waited inside until they were gone again.”  
  
Richard stared at the lock. “You didn’t take the dog, did you?”  
  
“I didn’t even know you guys had a dog,” Jonathan said, walking into the office. It looked very standard, some pictures on the wall, a table with some chairs, a couple of magazines and newspapers and some empty cups. There was a small kitchen area with a sink with a coffee maker and kettle, and some cupboards. That seemed to be it. “So this is where you left the dog?”  
  
“Yes. I hooked her leash on one of the table legs, with her food and water in reach. I know it might sound weird to have a dog on a leash indoors like this, but it’s regulations,” he added.  
  
Jonathan checked the table. “It’s not wobbly,” he concluded. So the dog couldn’t have pulled the leash out herself. “Interesting.”  
  
“Why’s that?” Richard asked. “I know it’s pretty rare, an unwobbly table, but I wouldn’t say it was interesting.”  
  
“Because I thought that maybe someone had snuck in to steal something else and that your dog had used that opportunity to get out,” Jonathan explained, “but if she was secured to the table, she would’ve needed help with that as well.”  
  
“There’s not much worth taking in this room anyway. Unless you fancy an ancient coffee maker of course,” Richard said, “and some magazines to read.”  
  
Jonathan continued to examine the room. “Not really.” He looked in the sink, but it was just filled with dirty cups. He noticed that they all had been used for tea, as none had dark enough liquid in it to have been filled with coffee. He walked over to a corner and crouched down, next to a small cage he normally associated with a vet’s waiting room. “And what do we have here?”  
  
“Ah, that’d be Fusker. I wouldn’t bother him if I were you,” Richard advised.  
  
Jonathan could hear the angry hissing from the cat. “Not Top Gear Cat then?”  
  
“Nah. He’s James’,” Richard explained. “Apparently he’s been feeling poorly and needs some vitamin injections every so many hours. But any ideas about TG then?”  
  
“Not yet,” Jonathan said, still looking at the cranky cat, “just a couple of theories. Would you mind running through your day with me? Just to see if you haven’t left anything out. Might be a clue in there.”  
  
Richard grabbed a chair and made himself comfortable. “Well, I arrived here a few hours before you, Adam and your team arrived.” He motioned for Jonathan to join him at the table. “TG was still with me there, of course. I brought her here, secured the leash around the table and filled her bowls with food and water. Then I left, and locked the door.” He shrugged. “Last time I saw her.”  
  
Jonathan nodded. “And was the cat here as well when you dropped off TG?”  
  
“No, James borrowed my keys to drop him in here and then returned them. Look, he wasn’t gone very long so there was no way he made TG vanish,” Richard added, obviously keen to remove any suspicion from his colleague. “Besides, he’s fond of her.”  
  
“Okay, and did anyone else borrow the key?” Jonathan asked, wishing Richard had told him this before. It opened a whole new set of possibilities as to how the dog had been kidnapped. That was one thing that was fairly certain to him; the dog had to have been taken by someone.  
  
“No, just James who needed it twice, once to drop off the cat and once to give him the vitamin injection. That took quite some time,” Richard said. “Obviously jamming a syringe down a cat’s throat isn’t easy, even when there aren’t any needles involved.”  
  
“No wonder that cat’s cranky then,” Jonathan said. “And TG was still here?”  
  
“He said she was. So when I wanted to take her for that walk a little while later, I was surprised to see she was gone. Naturally we searched the place, inside and outside, but she was nowhere to be found.” He shrugged. “And then you came into the picture.”  
  
“Anything else you did today that might be important since you arrived here?” Jonathan asked. Somewhere in those few hours between the dog being locked in this room and Richard wanting to take her for a walk lay the answer to the problem, and he needed as many details as possible about those few hours. “Anything or anyone out of the ordinary?”  
  
“Not really. The three of us discussed the show, discussed it with the rest of the crew, looked at the cars for a bit. Y’know, the usual. Stig was a bit later than normal for our little meeting, well, meeting, basically we just look at the car he’ll be driving around the track and marvel at how fantastic it is, but Stig probably just had a wild night. He’s not a morning person and usually requires one or two cups of coffee to get going,” Richard said. “Look, I’ve got to go back and do some rehearsing with the others, will you be okay here?”  
  
“No problem.” Jonathan smiled. “A bit of quiet usually helps in figuring these things out.”  
  
“Right, well, help yourself to some tea or coffee if you like. Sugar, milk, cups, everything’s in the cupboards. You’ll find it.” And with that, the other man was gone.  
  
***  
  
“I don’t know what you’re expecting from me, Jonathan,” Maddy told him over the phone. “I’m not even there with you.”  
  
“I just need to talk some ideas over with you, that’s all. You don’t even need to reply, I just need to work through them, see if they make sense,” Jonathan said.  
  
“Thank you very much! Can’t you call the weather hotline for that? You’ll have less of a chance of people butting in and actually giving you their ideas!”  
  
“I just thought you might be curious. But if you don’t care about the well-being of an adorable labradoodle, then that’s fine and I’ll just call the weather hotline instead,” Jonathan told her. He had no idea if the dog was adorable in any way, shape or form, but Richard had thought so which was good enough for him.  
  
“A labradoodle? But they’re so sweet! ‘S not exactly what you expect though, is it? You’d expect them to have a German shepherd, or a rottweiler. Not something that’s half poodle,” Maddy said. “You’d expect Trinny and Susannah to have a labradoodle, not Top Gear.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter what kind of dog it is, because at the moment it’s mostly a missing dog!” Jonathan wished Maddy would just stick to the problem at hand. “Its size and shape doesn’t matter.”  
  
“I don’t know, it’s easier to kidnap a small Chihuahua than a big German shepherd. You can fit a Chihuahua in your purse, try doing that to one of those shepherds,” Maddy said. “You’d need one hell of a rucksack for that.”  
  
“Easier,” Jonathan said, looking at the cage containing Fusker, “you’ve got a point there.” If someone really wanted to get one up over the Top Gear team, why would they go through the hassle of taking the dog when it would be far easier to pick up that cage? Unless they hadn’t noticed the cage, of course, or had wanted to get one up over everyone rather than just one presenter. Still, it was strange that the cat had been left while the dog had been taken.  
  
“’Course I do. Care to explain why?”  
  
“Hammond! Are you – Have you seen Richard?”  
  
Jonathan looked up to see Jeremy standing in the doorway. “He said he was heading off to rehearse some things with the rest of you, you probably just missed him.”  
  
“Right. Hey, you know that card trick you insisted I do so you lot would clear off?”  
  
“Can it wait?” Jonathan asked. “I’m on the phone now with Maddy, discussing-”  
  
“Too busy talking to your girlfriend? I thought you were supposed to figure how where our mutt’s gone off too?” Jeremy asked, all thoughts of magic tricks temporary forgotten.  
  
“Yes, I was working on that, actually,” Jonathan said, wishing the other man would go away so he could talk to Maddy.  
  
“By talking to your girlfriend? Give me that.” Before Jonathan knew what was happening, his phone had been taken from him and Jeremy was bellowing down it. “You stop talking to your boyfriend about the new curtains and leave him getting on with his work!”  
  
Jonathan was still close enough to hear Maddy’s reply, unfortunately. “Who is this? Jonathan?”  
  
“It’s not Jonathan, it’s the man who’s telling you to shut up and let that boyfriend of yours find our dog, okay?”  
  
Jonathan carefully got up and slowly made his way to the door. He didn’t want to be here when Maddy discovered just who she was talking to on the phone.  
  
“Is this Clarkson?” he heard her ask.  
  
“Yes, what about it?”  
  
“Can I just say that I think you are most arrogant stupid pigheaded piece of –” Jonathan closed the door behind him, and walked away. He heard a furious roar containing some choice words from the other side of the door, and figured it was time to get away as soon as possible. Still, Maddy should keep Jeremy busy for a bit. Maybe it was time to talk to some of the other people involved in this show.  
  
***  
  
“So you haven’t seen anyone behaving strangely?” he asked one of the many cameramen.  
  
“Not stranger than usual, no,” the other man replied, “sorry.”  
  
“Thanks anyway,” Jonathan said and left the man to get on with his work.  
  
“No luck finding the dog then?” one of the light technicians asked.  
  
“Not yet.” Jonathan shrugged. “It just seems so weird, kidnapping a dog and leaving everything else.”  
  
“Well, she is an asset to the show,” the light technician said, “and of high emotional value of course.”  
  
“Still. You’d think they’d go for one of the cars,” Jonathan said. It just didn’t make sense to him. “Why take a dog when there’re so many expensive cars around here?”  
  
“The dog’s easier, isn’t it? Those cars have state of the art security on them. Well, except for that Nissan, obviously,” the man said.  
  
“What Nissan?”  
  
“Ah, well, it’s for the ‘Turning a normal car into a smart car’ segment. They’ve got one of those crushers that you’d normally get on a scrapheap, and they’re going to crush the Nissan until it’s at roughly the size of a Smart and then see if it still works,” he said. “’Course it’ll be done in steps, more theatrical that way. First the boot will be crushed, see how that goes, and then the front. Our engineers put reinforcements in it, to make sure that the seating area won’t get crushed along with the rest. Smarts don’t have crushed seats after all.”  
  
Jonathan frowned. “But why would you want to do that?”  
  
“’Cause it’ll be fun?” the other man suggested. “Trust me, it’ll be a blast.”  
  
“Right, of course.” Jonathan said, and walked away. Crushing a perfectly good Nissan simply because they could seemed like such a waste to him. No wonder this show annoyed millions of people if they did things like this all the time.  
  
Unfortunately he ran into Jeremy, who was waving the cell phone in his face. “Next time you see your girlfriend, you tell she can take her book and shove it up her arse. Right. Now where did Hammond wander off to? I swear, he’s as bad as that mutt of his,” he said and walked away again.  
  
Jonathan put his cell phone away, and hoped that Maddy was still in the mood to think things over with him after that. Maybe he should go outside, go and see if Adam and the rest of the crew needed his help. Probably not, but it would give him some quiet time to think things over.  
  
“So, you are the man who’s going to get our disappeared dog back?” he heard someone behind him ask.  
  
Jonathan turned around and saw the man behind him. “Hopefully,” he said.  
  
“Don’t think we’ve met yet, I’m James.”  
  
“Jonathan. I heard you were the one who saw TG last?” Jonathan asked, shaking the other man’s hand.  
  
“Yes, I am. I expect that makes me suspect number one in your mind,” James said.  
  
“Not really,” Jonathan told him. Somehow that was just too obvious, that the last person to have seen the dog was the one who was involved with the crime. Sometimes the most obvious solution was the right one, but it didn’t seem to work that way for the things he and Maddy got involved in. “Why would you steal a dog when you’ve already got a sick cat?”  
  
“Because I might want to have a low maintenance pet for a while?” James suggested. “But speaking of my sick cat, it’s time for his injection and my tea. Care to join me for a cuppa?”  
  
Jonathan nodded. He could use the time to ask the other man some questions he had.  
  
***  
  
“I’m beginning to see why you asked me to join you,” Jonathan said sourly. He had been roped into helping James with the cat, which had meant that he had had to restrain the cat while James tried to keep his mouth open long enough to get the syringe in. It had worked out eventually and Fusker had calmed down a little while Jonathan bandaged his arms. He hoped that the blood would come out of his shirt eventually.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” James said with a slight smile. “I honestly thought you might want some tea.”  
  
“I do now,” Jonathan replied. “I need to replenish my blood cells after that.” He eyed the cat, which was sitting on the table and innocently licking his fur.  
  
“He doesn’t like strangers. Not too fond of people he’s familiar with either,” James said, scratching the cat behind his ears. “I wonder if he even likes himself.”  
  
The cat gave Jonathan a haughty glare. “I can see why someone would rather take the dog than that cat,” Jonathan said.  
  
“I can’t see why someone would take that dog at all,” James told him. “She doesn’t really do anything. She can’t do tricks; she just lies there and sleeps most of the time.”  
  
Jonathan sipped his tea. “She’s Top Gear Dog. Whoever took her probably didn’t do it to own a dog, but to get one up over everyone here.”  
  
“There must be plenty of ways to do that without kidnapping a dog from a locked office. There’s the high chance of getting caught, there’s the trouble of breaking in here, there’s the problem of taking care of TG and transporting her. And trust me, that is a problem. She gets carsick very easily,” James explained. “People who want to piss us off should just stick to throwing pies in Jeremy’s face. At least that makes for good entertainment.”  
  
Jonathan had to admit that James made a fair point there. Kidnapping a dog wasn’t easy, so whoever did it must’ve had a good reason besides simply annoying the team. Why specifically the dog? Purely for the emotional value? Somehow he didn’t think the people here would be too heartbroken over the loss of TG. Sure, they’d worry a bit about her general well-being, but then they’d probably get distracted by the destruction of random cars again. “What are you going to do now? Without the dog? Show’s being recorded tonight, right?”  
  
“Well, we haven’t got anything tonight we need her for, so for now we’re fine,” James said. “If she doesn’t turn up tomorrow or the day after, we’ll probably get the police involved. If that doesn’t work out, we’ll probably get another dog if we need one.”  
  
“You’re just going to replace her?” Jonathan asked, a bit surprised at the matter-of-fact way James was saying it.  
  
“It worked out fine for the Stig, so why not?” James shrugged.  
  
“The Stig?” Jonathan had heard about the mysterious driver, but hadn’t seen him yet. “You replaced him too?”  
  
“Yes. See, that picture over there? The guy dressed in black with the helmet? He was our Black Stig until he wanted out of the show, said it took up too much of his time. So we staged his death on the show, and got ourselves a new Stig. That’s him over there.” James pointed at another picture. “The one dressed in white. Hmm, we should probably get a black labradoodle if we need to replace TG, to stay with the colour changing theme,” he said thoughtfully.  
  
“I haven’t seen him yet,” Jonathan said, “that Stig of yours. Maybe he knows something that’ll shed light on TG’s disappearance.”  
  
“Well, good luck if you want to get him to talk about it. He’s not a man of many words, and he’s been even quieter today. Maybe he’s coming down with something, I don’t know,” James said. “Or maybe he had a late night. Still, you’ll recognise him easily; he’s never without his helmet or the rest of his get-up.”  
  
“Yes, Richard said he had arrived a little bit later than usual. Is he that punctual then?” Jonathan asked.  
  
“Not really, but meeting us in the studio half an hour later than usual isn’t exactly normal for him.” James shrugged. “But I’m sure he has a good explanation for it, which I would know if we had had the time to let him explain. We’re on a tight schedule around here, I’m lucky I’m not needed in the segment they’re rehearsing now, or I would’ve had to get someone else to give Fusker his vitamins.” He scratched the cat under his chin.  
  
“And I can see why you wouldn’t want to do that,” Jonathan said. “But about the dog, you’re sure she was in here when you gave the cat his previous injection?”  
  
“Quite sure,” James told him, “I almost tripped over her when I was trying to get Fusker to cooperate.”  
  
Jonathan nodded. He had been expecting that, if he had to be honest. “And nothing weird happened? Apart from the Stig being unusually late?”  
  
“No, not really. We talked the show over of course, admired the Lotus along with Stig, were envious that he gets to drive it around the track and we don’t, and then to feel better we mocked the Nissan for a bit.” He shrugged. “The usual, really.”  
  
Which Jonathan had also expected. Of course nothing was unusual or out of the obvious, except for a couple of things that could easily be explained. Obviously somebody didn’t want to attract any attention to whatever it was he or she had done, and it certainly wasn’t the kidnapping of TG. He wondered if the kidnapping had just been done to serve as a distraction from the real crime, or if the kidnapping had been an essential part of it. But what sort of crime would involve kidnapping the dog? From what he had been told, the dog had no skills apart from simply being a dog. There was nothing special about her at all, she behaved like pretty much every other dog in the world.  
  
Jonathan was surprised out of his little reverie by the door suddenly slamming open. Amazing how no one was bothered about locking it now that the dog had been kidnapped. Obviously no one was worried about the cat going missing, and after meeting it, Jonathan suspected that some people wouldn’t mind if Fusker would disappear as well.  
  
“James, you’re needed in the studio. And lock that monster up, would you?” Richard told him, and then spotted Jonathan’s bandages. “I see it’s already too late for that.” He joined them at the table, out of the reach of Fusker’s claws.  
  
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, maybe I’ll just end up with some scars,” Jonathan said, trying to remain positive about it.  
  
“Any more ideas about TG then?” he immediately asked.  
  
Jonathan shrugged. “Just some ideas here and there. Too early to say, really.” That wasn’t entirely true. He could feel that it was beginning to make sense to him on some level. Kidnapping the dog as both a distraction and a necessity. If he could only think of a reason for kidnapping TG, he was sure he could figure out who did it and why. The how wasn’t the biggest problem anymore. “I’m sure you’ll have her back safe and sound though,” he said, as he watched Richard slump at his lack of progress.  
  
“I still can’t imagine why anyone would kidnap her,” he exclaimed. “I love her to bits, I really do, but even I’ll admit she’s not exactly the best dog in the world.”  
  
“Which is why I’ve always preferred cats,” James said, stroking his cat absentmindedly. “At least when they disappear suddenly, you don’t need to fret about a possible kidnapping, you just know they’ve buggered off for a bit and that they’ll return when they feel like it.”  
  
“At least dogs will actually greet you when you walk into the room,” Richard replied. “They’re happy to see people they know and love. I know you think TG is lazy, but she’s never too lazy to wag her tail at us.”  
  
“They only care about where their next meal comes from. They’re every bit as selfish as cats, they just disguise it with a lot of useless tail-wagging and slobbering. Isn’t that right, Fusker?” James asked, while his cat licked his paw lazily.  
  
Richard looked at Fusker as well. “Is it me, or has he gotten ever chubbier since I last saw him?”  
  
“Fusker has a healthy appetite, what can I say.” The cat purred as James petted his stomach.  
  
“Maybe he has something to do with TG’s sudden disappearance,” Richard said. Jonathan was a bit worried by the glint in his eyes.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Well, it’s not entirely impossible for that cat of yours to get out of his cage and then attack poor TG based on exactly nothing.”  
  
“Are you suggesting that my cat ate your dog?” James laughed. “You’re joking.”  
  
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he did, chubby little bastard.”  
  
“There is no way in hell that Fusker could even get out of that cage, because that cage has some of the best locks in the world on it, and secondly there is no way in hell that Fusker would eat your dog for the very sane and obvious reason that it’s impossible for a fourty pound dog to fit into a thirteen pound cat!”  
  
“Obviously he had an accomplice in all this!” Richard shouted back, obviously choosing to ignore the size problem. “You. You never liked TG from the start! You were against the dog in general, and then when she vomited all over you, your mind was made up! The dog would have to go no matter what!”  
  
“You genuinely think I had something to do with TG being kidnapped?”  
  
“I genuinely think that, yeah.”  
  
Jonathan decided it was time to do something. The two men were standing pretty much nose to nose, or as close as anyway. They were about to get into a more physical fight, and he couldn’t let that happen. He got up, and tried to get their attention. “Look, I think we need to sit down and be reasonable about this.”  
  
“And you can sit down and shut up,” James said, not even looking at him.  
  
Jonathan sat down without really thinking about it, and was annoyed with himself for a moment. “Just calm down, the both of you.”  
  
“What the bloody hell is going on here? I can hear the two of you from down the hall!” Jeremy said, appearing in the doorway. “What’s all this about?”  
  
Oh no. This was going to be terrible. Jonathan didn’t think Jeremy was going to be very reasonable at all about this. “They’re having a bit of an argument, and they were just about to agree to disagree,” Jonathan said, hoping that would help.  
  
“We were not agreeing to anything,” Richard told him. “Unless James wants to admit that his cat is an evil monster.”  
  
“He’s got a point there,” Jeremy said.  
  
“Fusker is no more evil than your Porsche,” James replied. Richard continued to fume, and Jeremy said nothing. He just looked at Jonathan’s bandages in a deliberate manner. “Okay. Fine. Fusker can be nasty at times.”  
  
“Right, now we’re getting somewhere. James, what was the thing Richard didn’t want to agree about?” Jeremy asked.  
  
“He refused to admit that my evil monster could not possibly have eaten his dog, or had any hand or paw in her disappearance,” James said, glaring at Richard.  
  
Jeremy turned to Richard. “Now, be reasonable here, Hammond. If you’re too far gone to admit this, you’re obviously too far gone to be considered sane.”  
  
Richard was quiet for some time. “Fine. I’ll admit, I may have over-reacted a little. Fusker had nothing to do with it at all.”  
  
Jeremy patted them both on the shoulder. “That’s my boys. Now, go on, out with you.” He sat down opposite Jonathan as the other two left the room. “They get like that sometimes, they get completely unreasonable and I’m the one who has to make sure they don’t kill each other.  
  
Jonathan just stared at him. “Thanks,” he said, too surprised at Jeremy having solved the argument that quickly and that reasonably.  
  
“Don’t mention it. Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that card trick, I think I’ve got better at it,” Jeremy said, taking out his own pack of cards.  
  
Of course, sanity and reason never lasted long around here, Jonathan had learned that already. He sighed, and prepared himself for another simple card trick that was sure to go wrong.  
  
***  
  
After Jonathan had been thrown out of the office for criticising Jeremy’s card trick, he decided to go outside and watch Adam prepare. Maybe this time no one would drag him off to have his arms mauled by a crazed cat. “Hey Adam, how’s it going?”  
  
“Quite well, actually,” the other man said. “Although we have made a few changes to the original plan.”  
  
That never boded well. “What is it this time?” Jonathan asked, dreading it already.  
  
Adam took him over to one side. “See these parts? They’re basically a build-your-own-car kit. A Caterham… something or other. And this,” he said, showing Jonathan a rather strange looking racing car, “is the complete Caterham. The director thought it would be funnier if we turned a car kit into a complete car.”  
  
Well, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. “What’re they going to do with the Reliant Robin?” he asked. “They won’t need it anymore, will they?”  
  
“Oh, no doubt they’ll destroy it in a spectacular fashion,” Adam said. “You can say what you want about Top Gear, but they have a good sense of drama and theatrics.”  
  
Jonathan just nodded. No doubt the Reliant Robin would follow the Nissan in the car crusher, simply because they could. He settled on the grass and watched the rest of the crew work. He wasn’t really needed now, which was good. He desperately needed to think things over. Something in that argument between Richard and James had lit a spark, and now he would have to find it again.  
  
 _They’re happy to see people they know and love. I know you think TG is lazy, but she’s never too lazy to wag her tail at us._  
  
He frowned. That was it. That was why the dog had been taken from the office. Someone was afraid she wouldn’t react the way she should. And since Top Gear dog knew everyone around here very well, it would have to have been someone she didn’t know at all. It was such a perfect distraction as well, since everyone would worry about the dog and not even consider the possibility of there being a stranger in their midst. But who would worry about not being recognised by a dog, when there were so many people around?  
  
 _Still, you’ll recognise him easily, he’s never without his helmet or the rest of his get-up._  
  
“Recognise someone because you can’t,” Jonathan muttered. Stig was always unrecognisable when he was on the set, to make sure his identity stayed a secret. Of course the people involved would know who the Stig was, if only to be able to pay him, but no one would find it strange if he wore his helmet all day long. It was part of his character.  
  
Someone had then replaced the Stig, but how could someone not have noticed someone new around here? A new person wouldn’t know their way around the studio for one. Even Jonathan thought the place was slightly confusing, and he had been here all day. It had to be someone familiar with the show at least. And not just that, it would have to be someone who could pass for the Stig when it came to the racing. And that left only one person who could have been behind this.  
  
 _He was our Black Stig until he wanted out of the show, said it took up too much of his time. So we staged his death on the show, and got ourselves a new Stig._  
  
The only person who could replace the Stig was the Stig.  
  
So now he had figured out the why and who. He had never really worried about the how, since it had been quite clear that the Stig had simply pick-pocketed the keys out of Richard’s car while they were all discussing the Lotus. Richard would’ve been distracted and the Stig, the old Stig, would’ve been with them. The perfect opportunity. And he could easily slip them back in the jacket later on.  
  
“Adam,” he called, “I’m leaving for a bit, okay?”  
  
“Where are you going?” his boss asked.  
  
“I think I know who’s responsible for the dognapping,” Jonathan replied. Adam grinned, and waved him off.  
  
Of course, now that he had to find someone from the show, they were all gone. The office was empty, the studio itself was empty and Jonathan had no idea where they could’ve gone. He stopped. He didn’t exactly know where the dog and the Stig were either. Richard had told him that they had searched everywhere, but where can someone hide a dog and a person without anyone finding them? You’d need quite some storage space for that. Maybe in the back of a car, they probably wouldn’t look in there for the dog.  
  
 _Those cars have state of the art security on them. Well, except for that Nissan, obviously._  
  
Oh no.  
  
***  
  
“Stop! Stop!”  
  
“What is it?” Jeremy said, clearly annoyed that Jonathan had interrupted the crushing of the Nissan.  
  
“I think I know where the dog is,” he panted, “and the Stig.”  
  
“Stig’s right there,” Richard pointed him out. “What about TG?”  
  
“Open the back of the Nissan,” Jonathan said. “Just do it.”  
  
“This had better not be another stupid bloody magic trick,” Jeremy grumbled, while the crewmembers sorted out which one of them had the keys to the Nissan. Once that was sorted Jonathan hoped that he was indeed right, and that there were two unconscious bodies in the back of that car.  
  
The crewmember who opened the back of the car immediately called for a medic, and Jonathan nodded to himself, pleased that the dog and the man had been saved.  
  
“How the bloody hell did you figure that out?” James asked, as Richard was cuddling the still unconscious TG and Jeremy was yelling at the crew for not checking the car beforehand.  
  
Jonathan shrugged. “It’s like a puzzle, really. Get enough bits and pieces and something will fit in the end.”  
  
***  
  
It had been an eventful hour or so. The police had come to take the former Stig away, the actual Stig had been taken to the hospital and they had managed to crush the back of the Nissan and still keep it in full working order. Now it was time to record Adam’s big trick.  
  
“What’re those? Where’s the Reliant Robin?” Jeremy asked, eyeing the bits of machinery on the ground.  
  
“Didn’t you hear?” Jonathan asked, surprised. “It’s been changed to Adam turning that car kit into a full working car. Apparently it’s supposed to be funnier.” He hadn’t quite seen how that was going to work, but he supposed he had a different sense of humour. After all, he didn’t consider crushing the Nissan funny either.  
  
Jeremy went strangely still. “Is it a Caterham?”  
  
“Does it matter?” Jonathan asked.  
  
“Is it a Caterham?” he asked again, and Jonathan could tell he was about to do some more yelling.  
  
“Yes, why?” he replied, hoping he wasn’t going to be yelled at.  
  
“Right. I’m going to find him, and then I’m going to kill him. And then, I’m going to slash his tyres.” Jeremy stalked off, and Jonathan hoped he wasn’t going to kill Adam. He didn’t think he could get a more lenient boss than him.  
  
***  
  
Adam and Jonathan stared at Adam’s once proud convertible. “They slashed my tyres.”  
  
“Yes,” Jonathan said, not quite knowing what else to say, “yes they did.”  
  
“I don’t get it, why? Why my car? Out of all the other ones around here, why mine? And how? How can a bunch of kids sneak in here? I thought security was tight!” Adam yelled. “For god’s sake, it was brought here on a damn tow-truck! And do you know how much it’ll cost to remove the graffiti?”  
  
Never having owned a car, Jonathan didn’t know. But he suspected it would cost quite a bit. He thought it would be best not to inform Adam that he suspected this vandalism had been done by people who were kids only mentally and that he had seen James walk around with a can of spray-paint. “So you don’t like the pink then?” Jonathan asked, trying to lighten the atmosphere.  
  
“Not when it spells out ‘bastard’, no,” Adam said. “Do you think it might’ve been an angry ex?” he asked suddenly. “It could be. Maybe some girl who works around here figured this was the perfect opportunity to get back at me for whatever it is she thinks I did to her.”  
  
This was probably the most plausible solution Adam would believe. “Yes. That must be it,” he said. “So, what do we do now?”  
  
“Call for a cab?” Adam suggested. “You tell me. You’re the one who gets around without a car.”  
  
“Usually Maddy gives me a lift,” Jonathan admitted. “We could always go to the nearest bus stop.”  
  
“Spot of car trouble, gentlemen?”  
  
Jonathan was surprised to see James walk up to them. He had seen Jeremy and Richard speed off, and from the looks of it they had been engaged in a ‘let’s see who can get out of here the fastest’ race. “A bit, yeah.” He noticed James’ jacket had some pink on it, and assumed the other man didn’t usually spray-paint other people’s cars anonymously, otherwise he’d know how to hide the evidence.  
  
“Bad luck. The nearest bus stop is about two miles away,” he informed them. “If you want to get home at all this evening, you might want to get going.”  
  
“You wouldn’t be able to give us a ride, would you?” Adam asked. “Just to the bus stop?”  
  
“Sorry.” James shrugged. “I’ve only got room for one passenger.”  
  
“But that’s great!” Adam grinned, but James ignored him.  
  
“So I was thinking, since Jonathan was the one who cracked the case of the missing canine, he should be the one I take with me,” James told them. “It’s only fair after all his hard work.”  
  
Jonathan was a bit stumped for an answer. Not that he minded people giving him lifts, he just didn’t think it’d be a very comfortable one. He couldn’t stand Maddy’s reckless driving, let alone the driving of a Top Gear presenter.  
  
“What about my hard work? We had to change our magic trick at the last minute, you know!” Adam said, outraged.  
  
“Ah yes, your magic trick,” James said. “I must say that we were all very much impressed by what you did for us today. Turning that Caterham kit into a proper car in under ten seconds. Very impressive.”  
  
Jonathan could sense the sarcasm dripping from it, even if his boss didn’t. “Well, after so many years in the business you just know how to put on a good show,” Adam said smiling. “I’m sure you guys know that as well.”  
  
“We certainly do. So, Jonathan, how about that lift?” James asked again.  
  
“Look, I appreciate the offer, but I really don’t like wild and reckless driving,” Jonathan said. “A friend of mine does it all the time and I hate it. I’d probably end up throwing up in your car.” Which had only happened once, but he was sure it could easily happen again. Maddy still couldn’t get why Jonathan made her pull over after the umpteenth speed bump had been taken without regard for sanity or speed, and was still quite insulted whenever it was brought up.  
  
“What a coincidence, I don’t like reckless driving either,” James told him, and smiled. “Why do you think they call me Captain Slow in the first place?”  
  
Hang on. A lift from a sensible driver? That’d be a novelty. “Well, in that case, count me in,” Jonathan said.  
  
“You can’t just leave me here.” Adam glared at Jonathan. “Remember who signs your pay cheques.”  
  
“Actually, I do that myself, Adam, remember? I sign everything for you, including my own pay cheque.” Jonathan hadn’t liked signing his own pay cheques, but if he had to wait for Adam to get round to it, he’d never get paid.  
  
“It’s two miles!”  
  
“Didn’t the doctor say you needed some exercise?” Adam’s doctor had in fact said no such thing, but Adam had mostly forgotten his doctor’s advice by the time he got out of the office. Adam just grumbled something in reply.  
  
James tapped him on the shoulder. “Shall we go then?”  
  
“Let’s.”  
  
Adam kicked his empty tyre once again, and winced in pain. That would definitely not make the two miles any more pleasant.  
  
***  
  
It was so much better to be driven around by someone who was a sensible driver for a change, someone who didn’t have so much random things in their car, someone who didn’t think that an opened bags of toffee on the passenger’s seat was a good idea when it was a warm summer’s day and then blamed the passenger for sitting on it. This was actually quite pleasant. He was looking at the countryside when his phone rang, and remembered that he hadn’t called Maddy in a while. She was probably wondering what was going on by now. “Jonathan Creek.”  
  
“Jonathan! Why haven’t you called?” Maddy said. “I thought you wanted to bounce around ideas with me!”  
  
“I’ve been busy,” Jonathan replied. “I was mauled by a crazy cat and solved a crime that saved a man and a dog’s life. I’m sorry if I didn’t have the time to keep you up to date on a case you weren’t even that interested in the first place.”  
  
“I cared! There was a dog involved, of course I care,” Maddy said, making some strange noises in the background.  
  
“What’s with the noise?” Jonathan asked. “Are those pans? Are you cooking?” That reminded him, he hadn’t had any dinner either. And it’d be pretty late before he got home. Hmm, he’d have to pick something up on the station.  
  
“It’s dinner time, of course I’m cooking. Tell me more about the dog. Did everything work out?” she asked.  
  
“Yeah, I solved it. Turns out it was a disgruntled ex-employee who wasn’t very happy about his successors,” Jonathan explained. “He didn’t think his successor was any good at his job at all. Plus, he considered the addition of the dog an insult.”  
  
“The dog was an insult? He sounds deranged,” Maddy said.  
  
“I’m sure it made sense to him,” Jonathan said. “So, that was basically it. He stuffed the dog and his replacement in the back of a Nissan, hoping they’d be crushed in one of the segments. Police took him away after some questioning, and everybody’s happy.”  
  
“Except for Jeremy,” James added.  
  
“What? Oh, right. Jeremy isn’t happy,” Jonathan said.  
  
“Good,” Maddy said happily. “Why not?”  
  
“Oh, it’s a long story, but he failed to do a very simple card trick Adam and I asked him to do. So now he’s got a grudge against all magicians and their assistants,” he said. If he had to be honest, he was quite surprised the man hadn’t managed it. It had been a very simple card trick, after all.  
  
“Speaking of crazy cats,” James said, “and cooking as you did a few moments ago, would it be an idea if I took you out to dinner? As a way of saying sorry about my cat thinking you were a scratch pole.”  
  
“That’d be great,” Jonathan said. “Sure.”  
  
“Jonathan, how about you come over to my place so you can tell me all about it over dinner? I’m making enough for two people anyway,” Maddy offered. “And I want to hear all about Jeremy Clarkson being unhappy and failing at something a child could do.”  
  
“Er, I can’t,” Jonathan said. “I’m being taken out for dinner. Sorry.”  
  
“Oh really?” Maddy said, and Jonathan knew that he had just insulted her in some way he didn’t think was possible. “Well, if you’re too busy with your hot date, don’t bother coming round.”  
  
“It’s not a hot date!” Jonathan argued. She always did this, and he had no idea why she acted so strangely about someone buying him dinner. She had bought him dinner or lunch sometimes as well, as a thank you, or because her latest book had done well and she wanted to celebrate. “Maddy, it’s not!”  
  
“I happen to be a very hot date,” James said loudly. “D’you think she caught that?” he added quietly.  
  
Jonathan listened to Maddy shout at him through the phone. “I think so, yeah. I think she’s insulted again. Maddy? Maddy! I’m hanging up on you right now, okay? We’ll talk about this later.” He hung up the phone, and as an afterthought turned it off completely. “I seriously do not understand that woman,” he complained.  
  
“Are you saying you do understand other women? Because if that’s so, there’s a more amazing brain under that devious head of hair of yours than I previously thought, and quite frankly, it scares me,” James said, and smiled.  
  
Jonathan smiled as well, and wondered how Adam was getting along on his journey.  
  
***  
  
Adam stood outside the bus, glaring at the flat tyre.  
  
“I don’t know what to tell you, sir, it hardly ever happens,” the driver said and turned to the other passengers. “I’ve called the bus station, and they’re sending another one. It should be here in about twenty minutes.”  
  
Twenty minutes. Adam banged his head against the side of the bus. Twenty damn minutes.


End file.
